Let them free..

It is a challenge for young adults when working away from hometown and needs to take care of family back home. Is it always possible  to sacrifice a lucrative job and shift work location to be near parents?. Can children afford to shift jobs when their career is at stake? Finances are an important aspect to consider when one is still young and capable of earning.

Perhaps a solution to pre-empt such a situation would be for parents to encourage their children to work in the same city or state and not focus on a distant geographic location to do so.  Parents often discourage many children to write entrance exams or apply for jobs abroad in order to ensure that their offspring reside closer home.

Whether to encourage adolescent children or not to leave home for higher studies or employment is debatable. Some people opine that it is not necessary for children go away from home as long as they can be assured a comfortable and secure life in the same city, state or country.  This presupposes the fact that opportunities for education and employment are on par elsewhere.   In the event that children after they turn 20 years or more decide to re-locate elsewhere then it alters the parent-child relationship and their contact with each other would be only once a year or once in two years.     

Do we painstakingly nurture children when they are young and, after they develop wings, send them away only to connect with them through videos and pictures or converse them on Skype? Would one rather protect them from the big bad world, to keep them close, doing things for them and not allow them to face hardships in life?

When children have their own family, it would definitely be a good idea to have grandparents nearby, if not in the same house. For aging parents, too, this is a mutually beneficial arrangement. It would be a boon too, for working parents who can leave their kids, under the care of nannies and supervised by grandparents.

On the other hand, what would it take for a parent to send the apple of one’s eye away, to greener pastures and a different life? Allow him/ her to struggle and find their way through in life? Encourage them to stay independently, take responsibilities, manage day-to-day affairs, struggle with mundane chores, tackle issues and in general, grow up faster and more mature? To send ones’ child away is a difficult decision for most parents. Especially for a mother, there is always an emotional aspect to letting go. It depends on the child also. Children have different needs and their mental maturity varies. Being on their own at an early age helps them stand on their feet and face the world better. It makes them street smart and socially adaptive and that enables them to adjust faster to their new environment.

Children have to be let free, to survey, learn, and yes, maybe get hurt too. Everyone needs space and that is not possible as children grow up. There is always the generation gap, a divergence in thoughts, the conflicts and control which stifles their thought process. Going away from home helps them to value family ties and rediscover themselves again. There, is, of course the chance that they may drift away, but that is fine too. They would explore and find out for themselves what the world is really like and come back, if they feel like it.

An empty nest is a reality which many parents do not want to face. But to cling and insulate children from harsh realities too is not healthy. It could lead to resentment among children and crush their dreams. It is pointless to stop ones’ offspring from moving out if their heart and minds are set on it. It is important for them to explore the world on their own and discover their passion yet provide backend support is probably, the best way.

In any case, things are  so much better now-a-days, with superior communication and increased income, which makes travel very convenient However, as parents age, the situation becomes more emotional and sometimes, traumatic. In many cases, where all the children are away, it is left for one partner to take care when the other falls sick. To nurse an ailing person, manage home and finances, deal with loneliness may prove to be too much to bear.

At this juncture, the children might want to take a hard look at what the options are. Either the children could relocate and find suitable jobs where their parents stay. Alternately the children could invite their parents to stay with them. However the reality is that older people might not be able to adjust to a completely new environment or the children may be unable to find suitable job opportunities back home.  

What can I say!!

Everyone crowded around her, admiring the diamonds encased in gold and adorning her pretty neck. Envy, admiration and a sense of having lost on something was writ on each face. “I should have bought one too; after all, the sale was on for a very long time!” “My husband said I could buy anything, but I bought that outdated silk saree, it is thick and gaudy and makes me look fat!” “I should have traded all that antique heavy gold jewellery and bought these beauties instead!”  Thoughts flew back and forth and thick in all the ladies minds.

I, being the last entrant to the party was treated to a full exhibition and the story behind the purchase (Each and every thing a lady buys, especially clothes, jewellery and accessories has a tale behind it!)  I suitably oohed and aahed and rolled my eyes in the most affected manner and exclaimed suitably. I happily rolled off a few adjectives about the precious rock and its owner. All the time wondering why my family didn’t allow me to purchase diamonds. “each diamond has a history and one needs to consult an astrologer before buying one, as it causes serious harm to people” I remember an aunt pronouncing loudly one day , as a new piece of jewellery was being shown off in a family function. I wondered whether the lady in limelight had consulted one before indulging in it.

As I made my way to the most lovely interesting place in the hall, namely the buffet table, someone poked me sharp in the ribs.” Did you see the adulation and wonder? You can afford to buy one, cant you? You earn a handsome salary. I will host a party for you so that these people realize that we are no better than them” My sister gestured at the extended family who were the reason for the diamond and the party.” But you too can afford them, my dear” I pointed out, “After all, your husband owns quite a bit of property in prime locations and you have a few high end cars! I am, after all, a salaried employee and my husband, an upright government servant”

“ What!” she shrieked as softly as possible,”No amount of cajoling will make hubby part with even a centimetre of land, But you are your own master  and can afford to buy diamonds, without waiting for your husband to gift it. I don’t get a pay cheque like you do”.I refrained from answering that what she got each month from hubby dearest was probably much more than what I earned. The spread on the table was more inviting that countering her statement. As I piled my plate high and well, I observed a few shocked expressions on the faces of those around me. Looking guiltily, I made my way through and sat in a corner, savouring chips, samosas, nankhatais and all. I noticed, however, that most women were making a show of eating and were not really doing so. They had pathetically low portions on their plate and that too, mainly of salads which were spread out on a centre table. As I rose for a refill, I could almost feel a collective shudder going around the room. Fully laden, with rich food and thoroughly satiated, I went to bid a polite goodbye to my hostess. She was still showing off her necklace and I observed in the bright light that her neck wasn’t as pretty as it looked in the pale light earlier. Her skin was pale too, as if she was partially malnourished. Come to think of it, that was how most women looked, thin and emaciated. I seemed to be the only rotund person with a well fed look. As I made my way out, patting myself on the back that I eat well and look good and am happy in my own way, I heard a loud whisper “ Look at these employed ladies, they don’t get to enjoy what they earn, always slogging and suffering due to lack of time!!”.

OR approach to life

THE O.R APPROACH TO LIFE

Operations research is a managerial techniques widely used in a variety of areas and is concerned with making decisions and helps in finding out  the most efficient way to do something. It was developed during World War II and is widely used in diverse areas now. All problems involve deciding on the best course of action under a given situation while keeping the constraints in mind. There are techniques which allow trying out different approaches and then arrive at a conclusion. When there are many courses of action open to us, it helps in narrowing the choices to the best ones. It aids in measuring risk of taking a particular decision, mining through the available information to find connections and insights and is extremely useful when complex circumstances arise with many stakeholders and competing interests. It acknowledges that multiple factors affect a situation and many of them are not in our control. It is not based on any single discipline but makes use of techniques from a number of areas just like life is not based on a single track or line of thought.

The outstanding feature in O.R approach is the ‘constraints’ or ‘restrictions’. Life can be considered as a large O.R problem with many restrictions and constraints. Each one of us has been given a set of circumstances, most of which cannot be changed or altered. These cannot be wished away by ignoring, grumbling or cursing our ‘fate’. The only way out of these would be through it. The constraints play a very important role as they determine our limits within which we need to operate. A wise person takes these into account and ‘optimizes’ the situation.

The first course of action is to determine our goals. We need to maximize happiness, relationships and career objectives and minimize sorrow, anxiety, negativity and setbacks. Identifying these is a very crucial and many times, a difficult task as it requires a lot of critical introspection which many of us are reluctant to take up. Once the goals are identified, the constraints have to be examined to see whether they play an important role in our lives or can simply be removed. In case of the former, we need to work a way out of these. Each individual has to decide to what extent of the constraints can be allowed. It requires a lot of courage and determination to surmount these, or sometimes, taking a firm decision to move away and out of situations which only hinder our lives and drain us.

O.R involves a number of techniques which help in organizing tasks and allocating jobs in an efficient manner. This is very important in life too. Managing life and relationships involves a cool head and calm composure so that we can allocate priorities. This not only helps in conserving our energies but also in streamlining many activities and interactions so that there is no antagonism or clashes.

One of the commonly used techniques is called a ‘search-approach’ method in which we move from one point to another in search of optimality. This is life too, wherein we constantly move and change so that a satisfying and fulfilling set of situations are created. Another principle of ‘dominance’ is used too, where lesser important options are successively deleted so that only the most important one remains. A valid policy too, as we can focus on the important facets of life only when we don’t ‘sweat the small stuff’.

Simulation is often used to understand a new development or scenario or sometimes to understand the present circumstances clearly. This is in tune with ‘look before leap’. When we visualize or virtually create a scene, we will know the likely pitfalls and drawbacks and are ready to tackle them. This requires an in-depth study of various aspects, a deep understanding and more important, a willingness to accept the fact that things may not go our way in life. Non-negativity restrictions play an important part in any O.R problem. It simply means there can be no negative values as they are physical quantities. So true in living too. As long as negative emotions are avoided and negative qualities are not cultivated, reaching a goal becomes a beautiful and a wonderful journey.  Success in life is not in avoiding constraints but to thrive in spite of them.